Cold-blooded hatred

This was originally intended to be a review of “Amazing Spider-Man” #630. You know, my first official comic book review, but… something else came up instead.

I hate the Lizard. In a universe where people get superpowers from hanging out around gamma bomb test sites, being bit by radioactive spiders, or just being bombarded by cosmic radiation, the Lizard seems slightly over the top.

(As far as I remember, and this may be different due to faulty recollection or retcons, Doctor Connors lost an arm in a war and then injected himself with reptile DNA to enable it to grow back. However, like all DNA injections, this didn’t work out as planned. The DNA took over and turned Doctor Connors into… THE LIZARD!)

I get the cool dual lives of Spider-Man and his villains. In fact it works out great at times (see the Green Goblin… well, not the Spider-Man movie). I appreciate how they interact in their “civilian” lives and their “masked” lives. But the Lizard isn’t even the best villain with a doctorate (that would be Doctor Octopus, Doctor Doom or Doctor J)

"And you too, Spider-Man!"

See, when Doctor Connors gets pissed off an loses it he loses control and turns into a low-grade Hulk. Except scalier, tailier and… cold-blooded. Upon further review, he is pretty much the same as the Hulk.

Smart Guy? (Bruce Banner seems to be a well-learned fella). Check

Color? (While the Hulk has had his different colors, I think we can agree green is the what he is best known for). Check

Onset of “powers”? (“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!”) Check

Ability to make heroes team up to fight him? (“The Avengers”) … not so fast, Lizard.

Back to the tunnels with you, and don’t come back.

Obviously, You’re Not a Golfer

I hate doing things I’m not good at. As unreasonable as it sounds, if I don’t display some degree of natural aptitude the first time I try something, I tend to give up. This is why I never tried too hard to learn guitar, it’s why I’ve been “stop and go” with filmmaking and writing. In fact, the only things I enjoy doing that I’m not good at are 1) Basketball and 2) Poker.

May as well add golf to that list.

My step-dad goes golfing every Thursday. This really meant nothing to be except for the fact I wouldn’t have to deal with him on Thursdays.

(Now before anyone gets the wrong impression, the step-dad wasn’t a bad dude. Just that we never clicked.)

After high school I decided to give the game a shot. The first time some buddies and I went to Fort Ridgely where I couldn’t even tell you if I finished the nine holes. My first drive bounced down a large hill and once, somehow, I shot the ball between my legs.

Terrible round aside, I was undeterred. I think it was probably the non-competitive nature that made me go to the Sleepy Eye golf course a week or two later. Again, this was eight years ago, so I don’t remember particulars. However, the one hole I remember was a short par 3. My drive landed on the green and I two-putted for par.

Par.

Hell yeah.

I was so excited I talked about it over the dinner table with the step-dad. In his excitement, he bought clubs for me (found in an ad in the newspaper) that night. I never went golfing again… until eight years later.

My friend The Governor had been pestering me to go for a while. Finally, I gave in and went this last Wednesday to Terrace View just outside Mankato. My clubs were back in Sleepy Eye so I borrowed his brother’s. The 9-hole course is a par 36. I went in with a modest goal of a triple bogey per hole, or a +27. For his part, The Governor assured me this would be a non-competitive game. He didn’t give me a hard time when the few drives I got in the air hooked sharply to the right. I’ll spare you a hole-by-hole recap, but I finished with about an 80. Or a +44.

It was a brutal round, but it didn’t feel like it. In fact, I almost had a repeat of my Sleepy Eye Par. One short par 3 has water to the left and to the right. First shot in the left drink. Second tee off get wet on the right. But the third tee off….

Right on the green. Two putted for a double bogey (screw the rules for penalty shots). A hole to go back for.

I may have to go back to Sleepy Eye for those clubs.

Pen & Paper Guy

For some reason, maybe a factor of my year of birth, I am a “pen and paper” guy. I used to take a binder full of loose leaf paper to the theater so I could write my script that way. I still buy notebooks like crack if they are on sale for a decent price.

This isn’t because I’m scared of technology (although when the toaster starts to revolt, I will indeed hang myself with a Wal-Mart brand noose). However, I’m more comfortable writing on a notepad than a notebook. I think this is due to my ability to be easily distracted. In fact, I have checked Facebook about three times since I started writing this.

Distractions = Lack of writing progress. Maybe that’s why I’m the Rambling Man instead of the Straight to the Point Man.

This technological aversion isn’t localized to writing, it translates to one of my favorite hobbies I rarely participate in; gaming.

That’s right, I’m a comic book nerd AND a gaming nerd… at least in my heart. When I was younger, my dad gave me a couple D&D books he had when he was younger. I was enthralled with the idea, but was never able to rope my friends into it. Maybe it was the small town of only 4,000 people, maybe it was the fact D&D is the poster for nerdiness, but I never was able to play on a regular basis until I moved out of Sleepy Eye.

So the natural solution is video games, right? Right. And I have played my fair share of RPGs… and your fair share too. But it’s not the same. The story is linear, and the interpersonal interaction is non-existent. Gaming should be a social experience, not some guy sitting at home playing this:

Wizardry for the NES

“Now, Ryan, what about World of Warcraft?”

Well, I’ve started playing… but that’s a post for a different day.

The Upcoming Week

Uh… Hey… Blogland…. Been a while. Yeah, I’ve been, you know, good. I meant to call, but…

Okay, I may have gotten a tad lazy and/or unmotivated over the last week. This week though, well this week I have ideas! A quick preview of what I’ll blog about:

• Why I’m a terrible blogger
• What (if anything) the hours you work say about your station in life
• My first time golfing in seven plus years
• What washed up lead singer I’d like to hang out with
• And maybe, just maybe…. starting a “Focus on Failure” series

Alright, time to hit the Monday Grind.

Spider-Man and the Movies

I know I’m late to this party, but as a comic book nerd it’s time to throw down on this Spider-Man flick business. I love Sam Raimi for unleashing Bruce Campbell and “Xena: Warrior Princess” on the world. But his Spider-Man was getting … well … outlandish.

At the current rate, “Spider-Man 4″ would have included the following scenes:

1) Due to a declining economy, Peter Parker has to get a roommate, Michael Morbius (the living vampire). After both men see each other trying to leave through the window, Peter tells Michael he is indeed Spider-Man.

2) Spider-Man sneaks into J. Jonah Jameson’s office and hangs upside down from the ceiling. When JJJ comes in, Spider-Man drops from the ceiling, unmasks and tells him he wants to take out a full page ad revealing himself as Spider-Man.

Seriously, dude. You're over-exposing yourself.

3) Spider-Man and Morbius have to team up to battle… eh… screw it, The Chameleon (who is later revealed to be the one dressing up as Spider-Man and telling the public Spider-Man’s secret identity).

4) After defeating the Chamelon, Spider-Man and Morbius hatch a plan to fake the death of Spider-Man using a random body and a spare Spider-Man costume.

5) There is a public funeral for Spider-Man that is interupted by the Scorpion. But, coming to save the day is… The Scarlet Spider! ROLL CREDITS!

Wow… that’s not too bad. Even Daredevil could see that being a box office smash.

But Hollywood won’t go with that. Instead they are going to take Peter back to high school, which I’m conflicted about. The superhero in high school concept works better for TV, and not just because of “Smallville”. High school dramas dominate TV, just look at “One Tree Hill” and “Gossip Girl”.

Cramming an abbreviated origin tale in with a villain and high school emotions into two hours will be a tough task. Plus, where are we going to find a hot high school redhead to play Mary Jane?

Oh yeah.

Well I’m off to find a working DeLorean and some plutonium.

Winning Isn’t Everything

Winning isn’t everything. It’s not even the only thing. Apparently, according to Dana White, you need to look good while winning.

Now, I’m not a great UFC mind. Hell, the only UFC fight I’ve ever watched was an old Ken Shamrock vs Dan Severn when I was a huge wrestling rube (instead of the minor wrestling rube I am now). Nonetheless, I have an (unsolicited) opinion.

So Anderson Silva wins his fight, but the boss is pissed because he wasn’t trying? Or was he pissed because he was dancing around in the later rounds?

Just like this guy

What the hell is wrong with winning? Don’t get me wrong, the UFC has come a long way since Severn and Shamrock left for the “greener” pastures of pro wrestling. The fans have turned a sport that was banned in many states into something that now has its own section on ESPN, its own video games and its own action figures.

But White coming out and saying he may cut Silva because the champion isn’t entertaining? I can’t get behind that. UFC is a COMPETITION! If a fighter can’t beat Silva, that’s on the challenger. Why would Silva put himself at a disadvantage by charging in if he already has the fight won?

Tales of a Real Man (volume 1)

My name is Ryan Gehrke, and I’m not very good with my hands.

Whether it was having a girl wire my lamp in 7th grade shop class, having Tom the Pimp use the table saw for me in 9th grade shop class (why did I ever take shop?) or having Ike install my spark plugs, I have been unable (well, unwilling) to do thing for myself with my hands. It’s just not my skill set.

So when my car’s turn signal stopped automatically blinking last summer I was puzzled. Of course I figured out how to get by without actually fixing the problem (manually bringing the lever up and down to make the light blink).

My mechanic said it was probably a switch, my friends said it was probably a switch. Hell, even my mind said it was probably a switch. Nonetheless, a whole nine months later, I took the advice of a girl who said she was good with cars.

Her advice? It’s probably the bulbs. In her eyes, since the bulbs are dying, they stopped working.

It was a simple fix. I bit. I bought bulbs in the summer but neglected to put them in but then yesterday decided to try it. So there I was, carefully checking my owner’s manual like a rube and taking half an hour to do a ten minute (at most) job.

Of course it didn’t work. I can’t blame the girl, I’ve been wrong before (only once or twice). But now it’s time to replace the turn signal switch, which involves taking off the steering wheel… I think.

Time to get some dirt on the hands… as soon as I order that part.